Last Blog Entry

I was wondering whether to blog or not.
Or rather, i was having the thought of closing down this blog.
Closing down any existing blogs, so yea, it might happen.
Don't be surprise that this crazy about blogging girl is deciding to close this blog.
Raaaah.
Am thinking of jumping over to live journal, but then again, i am so tired or rather, so sick of blogging.
SICK of blogging.
It's the same thing.
No one understands, no one knows.
And words that i type, will be filtered and filtered till i don't understand what i am writing, and what am i expressing.
Shall make this my last blog entry, so yea, for this period of time, don't bother to come in here to read.
=0)
If any blog i ever set up, i will inform through msn.
Yeaps.

Hmmmms.
Since it's the last blog entry, i guess it's time to well, blog something long.
Well, i am not sure if i am able to get rid of the habit of blogging. You know, it's the normal thing i do each day.
Happy or sad, the blog seem them all.
Today was a total screwed day.
Very! It's monday blues? I hope so.
The pessimistic side of me took over and the optimistic side of me didn't bother trying to resist.
Woke up like early, took the bus and all that.
Kinda like some kinda robot thing. Like i am programmed to do so.
-.-
Went to meet junejune and hl.
Was super conscious of my lips. I just want to get rid of it.
So irritating!
Was at the yck mrt station and guess what, i saw ASHRAF! ! ! !
OMG! I was shocked! Seeing a familiar face again!
=0)
And after that, tut.
Asked to do qns3.
Kinda feeling lazy, but well, guilt took over if i just don't bother to get it done.
And after that, break.

Break was .... boring.
Had sushi and yummy wasabi!
=0)
But then, hmmms, for the first time, i won wk at scissors, paper, stone.
=0)
Perhaps, it was really due to pressure.
Today's wasabi is really, chocking.
Anyways, after that, had lessons and break again.
Slacked in the tut room.
Thunder and lightning and how i wished it was the end of the world.
And after that maths.
A total disaster.
Really!
Maths can never get into my brain. NEVER!
As much as i tell myself, i can i can.
But no! Numbers and symbols just don't make sense to me.
My brain resist maths.
And i can never forget the day, i firmly told Miss Wong that i will never touch numbers/maths again.
Well, how true(not)~
Got so tired that i nearly brokedown.
It was such a pathetic thing! It was frustrating.
Tears just flowed due to all the yawnings.
It got so irritating.

The guilt since sem1year1.
The guilt.
Perhaps, i take things too hard.
But then, i hate to doubt myself.
For this one year plus, i see myself doubting myself.
It's one of the worst feeling i tell you. Wondering what you can do (if there is any).
It's so sucky.

The past few days have been hell to me.
As in hell.
It's not something of you out there have experienced i believe.
Well, at least that is what i see.
But it will be over soon. But you will never know when it will happen again.
It sucks.
That feeling of not knowing what will happen. I hate unexpected things.
I want to be assured.
I need it.
Now, not knowing what will happen next. It's so hard.
These few days. It's so tiring and so tensed. Tensed at times.
And i realized, it's really hard to understand someone. It's hard because you might never know what is happening to a person's life. I look at myself, and honestly, no one outside knows what is happening. And indeed, i wonder, are there people like that too? People you know, and yet don't know.
Because certain things, are hard to say. Well, i don't bother talking about it too.
Worst still, you are in like a sucky situation and going outside, facing suckier things as well.
It totally sucks.
So today, during maths, i sat there wondering.
Wondering why things happen. Why things happen to me.
Why is it me? And why not others? There are so many things i cannot understand.
We are all humans, blood flows in all human. But why are we so different?
Things we experienced. At times, we can't even control what is happening.
I might start complaining how unfair is it. Because there are so many things i want, that i can never have.
NEVER have, because it's all over.

Ask me if i am happy with my life. Honestly, i can never answer that. Because i don't even know.
I might be happy that certain aspects of my life are fulfilled. But i am happy that there are somethings that i can never do or rather, can never have. Unless i can go back into time, and change everything. And now, i wonder how people keep secrets. It's hard right? Keeping things that are bothering you in your heart. Not knowing when it will spill or burst. It's so tiring.
Learning to smile when you don't mean it. Learning to listen to people you don't like. Pretending to be not hurt when you are slashed millions of times in your heart. It's interesting.
It's scary.
It's like walking on a dark walkway. With no one to hold, no one to talk to. Nothing to hold, no torch lights, not a single source of light. Surrounding is so quiet. Even a pin drop can be heard. Yet, you can only walk on and on and on. No one to talk too. Never know the dangers lurking in the corners. When will they ever pounce on you. Creatures with needle-like sting stinging into your bones. A hand held onto you, yet you never know when this hand will release its grip.
It's those uncertainty, those fears that wraps and unfolds at night or when silent.

I hate fears. I hate it so much. The fear i had whenever i wait for results. The fear i had when i was younger. The fear i had when things go wrong....
All those shows what a weakling i am. Yea, i am a weakling.
An undying weakling.
I wonder if anyone of you shared the same fears as me.
Perhaps, you might understand, but then again, a gemini is hard to understand.
You think you understand? Think again.

Limitations, restrictions, i abhor them all.
Crap, i will never allow what i am facing to happen in future.
It's hard to control tears that flow. Since young. Tears flow like a spoilt tap.
Drips drips drips.
Well, who don't know that tears can't solve problems?
But it indeed help make you feel better right? Ok, perhaps you don't feel better after a cry.

Absolutely tired today.
Michelle hates complaining.
But i need to.
I hate whining. Because if you whine, it just goes to show that you are not trying hard enough.
At times, i whine and do things to try to feel better.
I stopped and think again, perhaps, there are indeed people who never want to make you feel better.
I don't need an adviser, i don't need someone to solve my problems, i don't someone to show me the "big" picture and analyze whatever is happening. I don't need someone that blames me for every single thing i do and did not do. I just need someone to make me feel better.
(*smiles! I saw dongdong retarded face!*)
Lols.
Back to what i was talking about. Oh yes, since it's the last blog entry, i shall just blog everything i can think of today. I don't need a reason to do the things i am doing. I don't need a reason to not do the things i am not doing. I just need someone to make my day and be the reason.
Might not be making sense. But that is me.

I am so sick of certain things.
Certain things i see, certain things i hear.
But it's weird.
I am only like that when the pessimistic me takes over.
Never mind.
I shall end here.
Interpret whichever ways you want.
It doesn't matter.
=0)

Good luck to all friends.
I never once forget any of my friends.
Good luck all! =0)
Thanks for the people who bothered to read.
=0)
I will still leave this blog on, and the chatango on.
So if there's any thing, just talk to me there alright?
Thanks!
And so,i officially stop blogging!
=0)
Finally!
=0)
Byes!